‘Tis a Malay proverb that means “if you love your children, teach them with force”. Or perhaps a more emotional version of this proverb is “if you love your children, hit them!” *doesn’t sound too nice, now, does it?*
I had my memories of this blessed proverb back when I was a kid. My dad used to hit me with almost anything that he can lay his hands on, but most of the time he used his palms to give me a slap or two on the face. I will expect this kind of treatment everytime i made him angry, or everytime I went on overboard + over the limit.
It was a black memory indeed, I never did understood why he did all those things to me. The fact that I was quite ignorant of this specific Malay proverbs too, did not help. Well, I was a really rebellious kid back then. I think I deserved to get some slappings for the constant “why’s” that I threw at my dad everytime he ordered me to do something I don’t quite agree. 
And as I grow up, I had this deep hate brewing inside of me. I hate people who hit their kids, even if the purpose is educational, I think it is wrong for the mental and psychological developments of their childrens. When I went to boarding school, I used to hate this one particular teacher, who thinks that he is the most powerful diciplinary teacher in the whole world, using the rotan stick as his weapon against students. I used to imagine that one day, when I am grown up, I will be a lawyer and take him to court and sue him for power misuse.
Questions arose in my mind – just how efficient is the use of canes and palms of hands in the effort to educate childrens? Are childrens animals that need to be tamed using violent force? Can’t they just be advised using words? And there’s this one Malay proverbs too that says “Kepimpinan melalui teladan” – literally translates to “Leadership through actions”. Can’t they educate their children through their actions?
I am an observant young adult, but I used to be a rebellious teenager. Every time somebody tried to give advice to me, I’ll judge them first if they are good enough to give me advices. Or else I wouldn’t care a bit.
Childrens are soft spots that needs to be educated through an extensive range of psychological maturity. We can’t hit them if we feel mad. This will result in a chain reaction – the beaten kid will beat his kid in the future. I can prove this quite effectively – my grandfather used to beat the hell out of my dad.
Having childrens is a huge responsibility and one must have clear consciousness to raise them well!
Good luck mums (i know some of you are reading this :p) raise your kids well and shower them with love all you can…
Well Broe..
One day .. we will be a DAD too “:)
abg Danny: we? hm… i think you will have your kids first lah ..
then time tu sonok main2 dgn diorang :p
Assalamualaikum mirul
Interesting entry…
I had been spanked too..kayu,rotan,tangan, jemari2(cubit)banding2..semua dah puas kena…tapi alhamdulillah..tak sikit pun rasa marah pada mereka or dendam..sebab itulah cara mereka..bukan sebab benci or tak sayang..sebab mengajar..I do not agree how they did it but all the same, I understand why..parents in that era and way before..they only have themselves to discipline kids..their wisest way was not always right but the purpose was just the same..masa tu mana ada reading materials or talk shows on how to raise kids and such sangat..tak macam sekarang..in abundance of how to(s) about raising kids and understanding them..
I do spank my twins mirul..(hate me?) as a Last resort that is..I do not tolerate apa2 unsur biadap..kelepuk lah jawabnya..I spank them if they were really obstinate..dah ulang kali cakap, nakkk degil jugak..startlah mak dia datang tangan mengembang…..and it is done as a reminder..in Islam..kalau anak tak nak solat jugak pada umur 10 tahun, or is it 7?harus dirotan…para ustaz n ustazah jugak nasihatkan..kalau nak pukul, boleh, tapi ada tempat2nya..like the palms or underfoot(tapak kaki)…akak kkdg over jugak..bont pun kena kompang..tapi for sure..tak nak simpan rotan..never will i buy that..insya’llah..
When I spank..it hurts me too..they are part of me and never animals…I spank coz I love them (both in the same breathe..yes..can..)..tak putus doa agar jadik anak2 yg soleh…kids nowadays are smarter..they are easily talked to and that is ideally how we should teach them..unless stubborness comes hither…no matter how..it’ll all ends well with apologies hugs and kisses..very2 important tu..and needless to say…explanations…
I spank but not abuse…I spank to remind..sans hatred,satisfaction etc etc nauzubillah..
Insya’llah…you’ll be a fantastic daddy to your kids someday (do tell when you are one ok)…
Mum:
Waalaikummussalam…
Hm.. best nyer baca a comment from a mum
hmm.. i wish i can hear my mum jugak macam mana dia read and evaluate this entry – tapi i bet mesti rasa sedih2 terharu jugak sedikit sebanyak cuz she was there .. 
Sebenarnya kan, i thought it all over. kan i told that i was a rebellious child – it was a very good character build indeed! but now lah baru sedar, yelah dah jadi young adult ni baru sedar dan fikir semua benda. dulu yelah, rebellious duk benci sana sini, sampai ustaz rotan orang pun jadi benci..
Sekarang memang dah boleh fikir …
And when i read about what you thought bila spank your kids, my heart is touched a little bit – “when i spank.. it hurts me too..” sebab kan, time kecik2 dulu selalu terfikir “abah ni tak rasa sedih ke duk pukul2 aku ni? kenapa aku sorang jer yang rasa sedih tapi abah tak rasa sedih?” so i guess memang ada rasa sedih jauh di sudut hati abah, cuma maybe ego lelaki dia tak tunjuk.
Most of the article reflect what i used to think masa kecik2 dulu… and now 50%-50% lagi sebenarnya.. maybe tak jadi adult betul lagi
I don’t hate you lah mum! Especially mak mak – i tau memang diorang doesn’t mean it, dan kalau spank pun spank lah, memang takde perasaan lebih2 sekadar mendidik.. and i feel really glad that a mum can read and comment about spanking their kids – bukan senang tau nak komen benda2 camni, some people are sensitive about it..
Tapi kan, agak sedikit kesal dengan parents2 sekarang yang still duk mistreat their kids lagi, i mean child abuse – sebab like you said lah, sekarang dah banyak bahan2 motivasi lah ceramah lah nak ajar didik anak2 masing2. so kalau jadi jugak child abuse memang tak berperikemanusiaan sangat lah kan parents tu…
Hmmm I beg to differ,
I’ve been hit by rotan,hanger,belt but all below my knees as far as i can remember. And I m glad my dad[n i m his lil darling haha] chose to beat me whenever i did any wrongdoing coz that kind of thing is character building. As i can see now,there are two sets of people one who can endure hardship while the other suffer badly from them.
Those who had the memory of being lashed by their parents seem stronger.And almost all,accept the fact that they had made a mistake whenever they make a mistake unlike those who had never once taste the “sweetness” of rotan..We owned up fast,cause we remember from the memory what lies ahead if we lied. And etc etc.
I will definitely not pamper mychild and just give them advice all the time.[whenever i hav one o coz]. But i will follow the standard of my daddy,never hit a child above her or his knee…so there..
Nad: hmm.. totally agree 100% with what you said, there are 2 types who people, who can endure those hardships and other suffer badly from them.
i guess i must say time aku kecik2 dulu teruk jugak suffer tau, sampai rasa kadang2 tu nak commit suicide pun ada! dahsyat tak dahsyat la penangan dia, maybe ada kaitan jugak dengan aku manja kot.. tapi yelah semua benda Tuhan buat ada hikmah, maybe pengajaran .. kalau semua tu tak jadi aku tak strong macam aku harini, maybe aku sangat besar kepala? sangat berlagak? sangat angkuh? sangat tak dengar cakap orang? hmm… makin jauh dari hidayah na’uzubillah…
about my kids ~ aku tatau lagi la nak buat camne! huhu.. sometimes aku duk fikir susah benor nak raise children ni tau dak, sometimes cara yang kita buat tak kena dengan anak ni, bukan semua cara sesuai dengan type of kids. and kalau kita ada banyak anak (macam tanak je!) susah pulak nak faham particular pattern perangai anak2 tu, kadang2 kita rasa kita FAHAM sebenarnya tak faham langsung (like my mum used to say masa kecik2 dulu, dia kata faham sebenarnya tak faham lee..)
the best bet is to teach them with sufficient religious knowledge, dan berdoa supaya apa yang kita didik tu meresap masuk dan diorang tak lari jauh sangat…
sebab kan, hidayah milik mutlak Allah swt… even anak nabi pun ada yang kafir tak masuk dalam agama Allah sebab tak dibukakkan hati – tu bapak dia Nabi, apatah lagi kita yang hina dina penuh maksiat sana sini, memang tak cukup punya pengajaran yang kita bagi, sentiasa tak perfect.
Insya-Allah… boleh nad! chayok! chayok! nanti kasi aku tengok anak2 ko okeh!
hehe … tak sabo nih…
hehe~ my dad hit me bila kid malas belajar and semahyg je..bab lain, mama kata, “jgn pukul anak i!”. basically, that’s my parents. and they never hit my face, only lower part of my body eg: kaki and butt aje yg jadi mangsa..
indirectly, i understand why they never simply hit me. this is one petunjuk that i shouldn’t simply hit and hurt myself nor let others do. even kid nak pierce pun, mama sgt sensitive. my first time to take alcohol, i was so guilty and feeling bad that i had a terrible headache and stomach pain (i think it was stomach ulcer). my parents never hurt me this much, why i did this to myself? now, in NZ, if anything, i’ll start from what my parents had taught me allll these while~
sometimes, spanking, slapping all these sorts of punishing are not important. it’s to SHOW how much they love that count, through caressing, kissing and hugging and lecturing..not hurting!
my parents never give up (they still do, call me tgh2 mlm buta kat NZ) to give sermons@advices@lectures..pokoknya, i see, parents with tahap kesabaran and iman yg tinggi that make a very good moulders! they have faith in me, i have faith in them too. this is two way love – still i can’t find from anybody else on earth except from my parents.
i am rebellious, but my parents are patience enuff to pin me down and explain to me everything. i love them so much, when they treat me like an adult but not a helpless kid who can simply get beaten.
for all these reasons, haha~ according to my latest post on pakwe/makwe, why should i love others if i have someone who really truly deeply genuinely love me like papa n mama! so i prefer a universal love..love you all!
cheers!
kid:
“sometimes, spanking, slapping all these sorts of punishing are not important. it’s to SHOW how much they love that count, through caressing, kissing and hugging and lecturing..not hurting!”
AGREE 100% !!!!@!~~~~
sometimes LOVE transcends age – and sometimes we have to show enough LOVE baru those kids sedar agaknya. kalau lelaki yang keras kepala tu memang patut lah rotan. tapi kalau jenis anak2 sensitif lagi nak tampar2, silap besar la tu kot.
THE FIRST TIME YOU HAD ALCOHOL?!?! omg!!!!! berani mati bagitau kat sini! :p tah2 ur parents baca ke? :p
my parents will definitely kill me … blergh..
it’s good lah kot cuz benda tu kan haram…
i got spank and slap…
slap time mengaji…
slap bila kuar bad words…
spank kalo buat benda yg salah…
kita mmg x suka kena marah… nobody likes it after all… tapi apa ibu ngan ayah buat always for good intention… always…
‘anak itu umpama kain putih… adalah tanggungjawab ibu bapa utk mencorakkannya’
i don’t remember this quote is hadith or ayat al Quran but i always hold on to it…
there’s a line between abuse or care… i can define care but abuse????
i know it’s care bila lepas kena spank or slap ibu ngan ayah akan tanya sakit tak and said lain kali jgn buat lagi…
i know it’s care when they said they did it for us… mmg time tue kita pun tgh marah so dlm hati kita ckp diorg nie membebel ajer… tapi btulla… ibu selalu cakap apa nak jadik if ibu ngan ayah dah xde… they did everythin for us, our own future…
tapi bila ibu ngan ayah marah sampai tahap lantakler apa nak jadik… orang akan terasa yg kita dah cross the line… kita nie cam anak derhaka… i don’t want that… dalam hadith mengatakan syurga di bawah tapak kaki ibu, x akan kita bau syurga kalau derhaka kepada ibu bapa kita… kalo ibu ngan ayah tak terima kita, Allah lagi x terima kita… and that’s the worst thing ever…
chep: agree 100%
*malas nak komen panjang2 sbb nak cepat kuar dari CC nih sori yer :p*
i kinda agree with chep,
my dad after me got spanked..he will always asked my mom to go n see how i was doing..still crying n sulking or not..and later if i still isnt talking to him he will drop me a note on my table ke and telling why n why he did such and such ..
but definitely there are parents out there who abused their kids.these kind of peeps need to be eradicated from the whole~
nad: DAMN i agree my dad would’ve done that!! tak aci!! tak aci!! demand!! demand dia buat benda yang sama jugak!!!
i mean world* d op silly mistake~
nad: mmm… smagatnye me-repair..
mak abah aku teramat jarang mengenakan pendekatan fizikal yang keras utk mendidik aku and that to me works!
szakif: ikut orang kot? aku rasa diri aku 2-2 pendekatan pun boleh .. hehe…
hmm…mirul tak jawab lagik yang kat atas….
parents are GOD! so they can practically do anything to us, their childrens. eh heh……
no lah….tak mungkin ada orang yang tak pernah kena at least one spank form their parents. ive had loads of them. dont know why la. padahal aku baik jer lol …
my kids? i’ll spank them if i have too…tapi ill pamper them first……. eh he he……..
nash: eh jawab soalan apa?? tgh blur sbb guna pc kat cc yg teramat lah blur dan sengal nak mreply komen – opera sucks lah.. soalan pasal per nih?
parents – according to malay community jer GOD – kita kena respect mcm sangat dahsyat – kalau american community tu childrens are GOD – tu yang besar kepala nak mampus tu agaknya…
agree takkan ada orang yang tak pernah kena spank – tapi sangat benci ngan teacher yg power abuse!
kita jailkan cikgu2 disiplin yang power abuse!!! kalau rotan sikit2 takpelah kot..
pamper first? then spank? spank first then pamper! :p
Hi dearest umi son mirul, exam umi assume. Spanking n slapping – both are way of act just like hush words n curse. Worst act of punishment actually are curse coz its doa n that will have an effect on your life in future. We mummy n daddy seldom curve but just act of hand to show the way of truth. Umi always have 3 chances for umi sons n once it reaches d limits umi will asked them 2 chose their spanking item- either ruler, paper or hanger. Umi punish them medium light but with sadness. While punishing umi usually convey umi’s sadness n hurtful feeling of their doing. We usually end up crying n hugging. Emmm. But once umi son reaches 14 of age, no more spanking just a shoulder pat but lots of examples n pep talks of their wrong doings effecting others, trying to implant in umi sons being a responsible men, son n brother.
Not 2 worry dear u’ll not spank ur son coz we are in power to our action n umi knows u’ll not do it. Umi honor umi son ego from young n umi will asked umi son to a corner n talked to them in an angry tone + a learing eyes.
Take care dear n have a nice holiday with ur family.
umi: exam baruuu jer habis, now tengah bersuka ria nak balik rumah dah.
its true the worst form of punishment is curse – cuz it’s doa for childrens. it’s really nice to hear that umi give your kids choice – ruler, paper or hanger! :p if i were them i happily choose paper, i guess – less painful kot.
but it’s very touching to hear that you guys end up crying and hugging – means they understood the main purpose of the punishment – to give them lesson and to teach them that what they did is wrong. sooner or later they know that it’s wrong to do such and such.
sometimes i feel it’s so much easier if the kids are born good. u know. those type yang memang tak perlu nak pukul2 or nasihat2 – those we call “geeks” :p
thanks for the wish
will send my regards to my family…
ho ho…tak…i thot ur busy, coz at the time when i wrote my comment, comment2 kat atas tu mirul tak bg feedback lagik. tu je. selalunya tak. u’re fast in replying comments.
tu je….
nash: well at that time i was really really busy with exams lah kot *tapi adaaa je masa nak drop by and read the comments kat blog ye dak ahhaa* selalunya i’m fast in replying comments? must be time mood baik ler tuh…